just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
