They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
