I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
