my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
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well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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