I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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