I just cut my nipple shaving
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
