I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
