I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
