weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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