This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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