I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
