he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
