The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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