Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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