you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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