I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
