3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
