im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think I died a long time ago.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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