90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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