New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
