I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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