last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
