The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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