it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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