I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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