I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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