My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
