GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
