Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
