just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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