Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
