dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
