Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
