Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
