My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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