I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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