Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
