remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
