do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
