I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
