i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.