She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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