I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i think i have two assholes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA