This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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