if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?