Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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