When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dick very happy bro
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
