I will die if light touches me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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