Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i think i just lost a toe
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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