If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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