I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
