I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
