oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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