his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
