Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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